feel and think

oh yes.

2010-10-23T21:30:00.004+08:00

'we're like you, just don't hang out as much as you do in each other's houses or in shopping malls.
why? cos we're boring and we rather stay back at home and stick to our computers?
actually, it's more of that we don't give a fuck.'

hm.

2010-10-23T20:14:00.002+08:00

i don't know what to talk about anymore. haha.

You bore me

2010-09-18T22:56:00.003+08:00

"My aim in life is to make people happy in anyway I can.
If listening to your miseries makes neither you nor me happy, why bother?"

2010-09-09T21:59:00.002+08:00

haiz... Why should I stress myself like hell?
Forcing myself into the intense path of studying hardcore and all.

I don't need to put in so much
No one comes out of it alive.

36 DAYS LEFT

2010-08-26T21:22:00.002+08:00

Most of the time I make the type of posts regarding the exams, I really wonder how I would look back at them after the exams. Though, to think of it, it's all up to how it turns out.

Oh, hmmm, whatever.

Allow me to put up a status report:

English, Mrs Cheong is now teaching some financial literacy, no idea what is has to do exactly with the EOYs, other than the topic on Money for argumentative/expository essays, but since when I'm considering to answer those?
Yet to know my grade :/
Not really worried on the outcome for the English Papers, nothing major.

EMaths, Mr Tan's finally done with CF curve, an extremely boring and easy topic, now Ms Rozi's teaching us Angle of Elevation/Depression. Ugh, headaches, trigonometry and all its rules.
Got an A1, although I didn't hand up one assignment (what the f*ck?) , but I don't bother doing one assignment since I should be already happy with an A1 anyway :3
God, need to revise a hell lot of topics :(

AMaths, Mr Tee is BULLET TRAIN-teaching us Trigo, expecting most of us to handle most of the questions ourselves, simply going through basic concepts and mistakes we should never do in the exams. WTF, I haven't finish up the fronts pages of my Trigo notes yet :/
Yet to know my grade :|
Same as EMaths, sian ah...topics to remember.

Chem, Mrs Chua going through a new chapter/topic (maybe? not so sure), and going through QA and Level Test - "What happened?" in red ink right beside my 11/25 :(((
Lack of concepts and mental block, will NEVER happen in SA2, I'll make sure :| I Must.
Worried about my grade :(
Need to revise hardcore, chem is concept and theory shit.

Bio, Ms Yong has gone through Circulation, now onto Respiration soon. No comments.
Okok grades I hope.
Need to revise hardcore as well, Bio is process and diagram shit, shit-shit :X

Physics, Mr Elfie is now going slightly speedy with our class, only telling us basic concepts and going through worksheets. I wished he would explain how to tackle question, instead of drilling us concepts, i think most of us (i mean E4) can manage concepts, however not answering and understanding questions.
Okok grades I hope.
Need to revise hardcore as well (as Bio and Chem, triple science duh, got in and don't wanna drop ), Physics is concepts and numbers shit, some theory.

GeoE, Ms (or issit Mdm) Cheng now going through Food Geography, yum.
Not really looking happy with grades. Didn't pull in much effort, for sure.
Need to revise, i mean, MEMORISE Geo facts blah blah blah stuff.

SS, Ms Ong is going through all the tests, (about time -.-),
kinda dissapointed with the marks and my grades, B3
Need to revise, i mean, MEMORISE SEQ stuff. bleh D:

oh well, Brian will work hard for SA2, he must, and he won't bullshit about that fact :)

Back Step

2010-08-06T17:37:00.002+08:00

When people say you can't escape your past, I beg to differ.
I see the goal before me
And turning back now will not solve anything
Running away from myself keeps leading me in circles
Avoiding mistakes I remember all too well
Time is the enemy
I know now that fame and fortune are part of who I am
These fractions of my past have already passed me by
Why is it that regrets are the only things on my mind? And dreams, I never have anymore?
Bad memories cloud my judgement. Success or failure is all important
Self reflection, avoidable

Though inevitably, turning back at this point was unavoidable

Self reflection is all important
Success or failure cloud my judgement
Bad memories, I never have anymore. And dreams, are the only things on my mind
Why is it that regrets have already passed me by?
These fractions of the past are part of who I am.
I know now that fame and fortune is the enemy.
Time, I remember all too well
Avoiding mistakes keeps leading me in circles
Running away from myself will not solve anything
And turning back now, I see the goal before me
I beg to differ, when people say you can't escape your past.

You can, I just won't

from: One Step Back

act XV

2010-07-20T21:55:00.004+08:00

15

"I'm sorry."

"Why, do you make mistakes?"

"Why do I make mistakes, you ask? You think I want to? You think I like it? Of course I don't.
When I make mistakes, I don't like to repeat them anymore, that's why I learn by them.
To think of it, making mistakes makes me a better man.
Maybe, that's why I make them. Perhaps, sometimes I'm aware I do."

2010-07-20T21:50:00.003+08:00

I've been reading some of my posts.
Seeing all my emotions put into it... All the optimism and happiness within it. All the Hey-I'm-so-happy-in-my-life-Look-at-me stuff and all.

It's so, fake.

one-check-one

2010-07-15T21:37:00.003+08:00

it's been a week, or so i think.
hooray for the change of places!

ever since the row of 6 was formed at the back, my outlook in class has changed.

been crapping randomly in my spot,
saying random stuff or just acting, uh, random.
yong huat says he'd never seen me like that before, haha.
previously, since when could i crap in that corner of the classroom?

talking to nigel. talking to yong huat, get to know some sides of him better o.o
what if i feel bored with them sometimes?
just turn right and look beyond and look at patricia read a book or spin a book.
or call out for jing si or chee seng, just to exclaim that you're bored :)

but to think of it, nigel and yong huat have two things in common,
first, they are really sick,
and second, they are boys with tuition lessons.

i hate tuition! booo

rather irritating to hear them chat over a question while the trainee teachers try to teach.
haha.

oh well...

NDP NE2!

layout undefined

2010-07-13T22:04:00.002+08:00

back to school, extended holiday homework. half-done homework.
go figure.
but as expected, i should have finished them all by now. *cough* bio proj :O

not sure whether i should be really worried for screwing abit of my CA2 :|

incoming wave of test, but studies aside.

SJAB Committee 2010-2011, HOD DY (CIP/PD), hmm... :|
gotta plan with the Dev ppl about bowling. my first cca project so fast, should be simple... must finish up by Fri.

NatFAC, scandals. NDP...

oh, about NDP... fun and all
get to know a piece of Platoon 2.
get to take pictures with NDP staff, officers, etc.
get to talk with people from other zone/corp incl. officers.
get to talk with ancoc buddies.
get to eat :)

at the cost of participating in the parade.

heh (_")

/facepalm

2010-07-13T19:26:00.002+08:00

LOL. What talking me?

haha, currently trying to fit myself in into a picture of work once more. i still wanna play :)
i'm not over with stuff yet.

ALOT of stuff.

:(

2010-07-07T22:20:00.003+08:00

low self esteem is kicking in once again...

sigh...
SJAB life is seriously getting boring.
for now i guess.

to think of it, i don't really have any much close connections in the Corp :(

my platoon-mates are great and fun and all :)
but really, it's the fact that most of my closest friends aren't in SJAB, or even mutually related.

inter-corp wise, i honestly feel i'm just a nobody. someone whom noone really notices or cares about, the quiet guy. trying hard but getting nothing.
i guess i should just lay low. don't even look into getting into OTC, but then again, who expects me to go?

talking about expectations.
i'm scared, i'm really really scared. that i'll screw up to all the simple and minute tasks i'm given, that i'll fail those who expect me to help :(

sigh... sigh.

got more to talk about school, but not today.

Things You Need To Know About Me

2010-06-29T21:14:00.002+08:00

Firstly, the most important thing you need to know about me, is that I strongly believe you don't know everything about me.
Even if you think you do, I think you a really a fool.

1 Please F*cking Reply.

I'm very sensitive when I don't get response.
Even if I'm soft, whatever, or you're busy with something, at least give me the message that you notice my presence and sadly you can't reply me.
I get really really pissed if I don't get my message across. Maybe partly because I don't express myself well. However, when I'm putting in effort to get you to understand, please put in effort as well to get yourself to understand me.

2 I Hate Whispers.

I'm very sensitive when I see people whisper or murmur around me.
It pisses me off to the maximum, especially if there might be a possibility your whispers are in regards to a topic about me or directed at me. Yeah, whatever, I know you're trying to be polite and hide your comments away, but your actions of whispering and giggling in that distance away says alot and that's no secret.

3 Can't do a simple job of Forgiving, can you?

I'm someone who feels guilty very easily. Extremely pressured when I know I've done something wrong and I've yet to pay a toll.
However, when I say a simple "Sorry", I mean it in utmost sincerity. I irritates me when you don't acknowledge it right away, or not at all. If that's the case, I'll leave you be. I've already done my best.

4 I'm Too Kind

You should be glad I ain't some low-IQ individual grabbing you by the head and punching your skull in. Or some mentally-unstable patient throwing my drink at you in rage.

Which brings me to the next point...

5 Please Make Up Your Mind

I hate people who are indecisive. I'm a person who is eager for solutions that is either neutral or a win for all. When I finally come up with a solution which provides no benefits for both opposing party, other than the benefit of neutrality, I wish not to hear any objections which it's only intention is a self-advantage. If so, I will wish to f*ck you up.

6 I'm really stressed and pissed off at times

And I know it, I obviously know it.
Please don't state that fact once again straight in my face because I'm not dumb and I know how I feel.

Sigh.

2010-06-26T23:20:00.001+08:00

sigh...
no mood for school.
no mood at all :(
no mood to face the teachers and declare, 'i have not done this'.

not because i don't want to, i'm just tired :/

wall

2010-06-23T23:40:00.000+08:00

back home

2010-06-22T12:24:00.002+08:00

:( ANCOC 2010 is over.

sadly, it wasn't a memorable camp in my utmost honest opinion.

since day 1, i sat on the table with almost all the quiet people in Alpha 1. yawn.
i was envying the other side, so fun :( always could hear them laugh for some moments.

didn't take bunk i/c. yawn. nan hua corp dominate all bunk i/c positions. but hey, to think of it, bunk i/c really didn't matter. at least i need not be there first to open a bunk.

sort of quiet and bored for activities, regardless of whether it was interesting or not.
hmm, maybe, just maybe.

i missed the hype for ancoc :(

after camp, i joined the peeps at the table at mac.
they had so much to talk about.
the ai girls and their rants about hci guys.
really funny moments in the camp.

all those, when i just could only remember dull moments :(
even my friendship dance was screwed.

went clockwise through some people, then got stuck with some idiots not moving at all >:(
somehow or another, i turned anti clockwise.
and after more dull moments, it ended.
no hype for friendship dance :( no hype at all.

to think of it, was it my fault for not opening my hype for the fun and the thrills for ancoc?
or was it just some really frickin unfortunate circumstance that made me end up like that. :(

gaurd comm was just abit more interesting.
spent the night sitting with derrick, seeing officers talk and s3 sir ranting about his scary trip to the toilet -.- lol.
sadly, dozed on for the later night.
and guess what happened next morn?

sigh. yawn.

i told myself after ancoc, that there wasn't much fun worth blogging about. true.
now, i don't even want to make a facebook group either.

Don't waste your time reading 2 posts, In short:

2010-06-16T15:44:00.003+08:00

Some point in time throughout the period you had that special feeling of accomplishment or some sort? How do I describe it? Some EPIC feeling? Some awesome feeling on an extraordinary ordinary day?

Then again, think of it, we felt it before already, didn't we?

When we were together as trainees

"We went through tasks, working together with our individual actions, keeping mind towards a common goal."

because of that, we were together, it was because of that we became what we are now.

Now we're trainers, most NCOs, we got to think of a Solution, to the problem of losing that feeling we most wished of.

We've finally had that feeling of 'Togetherness' but that's not going to last long.
If we're going to stand here and simply enjoy it, it'll fade away.
We're supposed to keep it staying, make it a goal.
Make it a goal that we'll do it, Together, for us.

That despite our differences in any aspect of our ranks, positions and experience, we will still want to work together.
That despite criticism to our work, we will still pull through, we will show them we can do it and whatever they said was invalid.

"We will go through tasks,

working together with our individual actions in our Committee positions,

keeping mind towards a Common Goal -

Our own Togetherness, a Bond, a Belonging to AI-SJAB.

All these that'll we'll pass down to the next generation, because most of all,

that's Our responsibility until we finally step down."

2010-06-16T12:08:00.004+08:00

(continued from the previous post)

Firstly, once again, it's up to you to agree or disagree with me. It's up to you to think whether I'm this idiot speaking nonsense and simply trying to get attention. Whatever, I'm giving you a free will that I don't care about what you do with it.

Back again, I said that because:
"We went through tasks, working together with our individual actions, keeping mind towards a common goal."
that's why we've gone through such times together, to what we are now.

This 'Togetherness' or bond comes because of the above fact.

This 'Togetherness' existed most obviously in Sec 1. There were no barriers between us set firmly, thus allowing us to work together. We had a common goal everyday, it's a simple goal of being a great trainee and cadet of the corp AI-SJAB, under the leadership of our seniors. They, were also responsible for us.

There, a minor rift came the next year. First Aid Competition. It's not to be blamed for anything. But I cannot deny that because of it, there were lines drawn between us. How can this be?
Look at it, don't tell me you have never used the term 'Competition' and 'Non-competition' member before. And lastly, Ma'am stated, perhaps due to this, we had varying experiences.

And expanding on this subject - varying experiences, what would that determine in the future? It's the way people look towards one another. Tell yourself, do you look at a 'Competition' member differently than a 'Non-Competition' member? I shall not elaborate further.

This was not the only factor that affects the way we view some people with others. Think, I don't need to explain so much.

What's the current situation?
Ever since we entered the Committee of 2010, we had our positions established on Probation. There were job scopes, lines drawn further. There were more and more distinct lines drawn, by the way we view others: based on how useful there were, how important they were, how much they have done, whether they were close friends or acquaintances, whether they were useful or useless in our minds.

And most of all. We lost the Common Goal we held in our trainee days. We were trainers for our trainees, no longer trainees pulling of drills for our seniors. We could no longer pull through a day and say convincingly we've gone through it Together as One, can we? Was there a day we had a strong sense of 'Togetherness'?

Now we're trainers, most NCOs, we got to think of a Solution.

We've finally had that feeling of 'Togetherness' but that's not going to last long.
If we're going to stand here and simply enjoy it, it'll fade away.
We're supposed to keep it staying, make it a goal.
Make it a goal that we'll do it, Together, for us.

That despite our differences in any aspect of our ranks, positions and experience, we will still want to work together.
That despite criticism to our work, we will still pull through, we will show them we can do it and whatever they said was invalid.

Previously,

"We went through tasks, working together with our individual actions, keeping mind towards a common goal."

Now,

"We will go through tasks,
working together with our individual actions in our Committee positions,
keeping mind towards a Common Goal -
Our own Togetherness, a Bond, a Belonging to AI-SJAB.
All these that'll we'll pass down to the next generation, because most of all,
that's our responsibility until we finally step down."

...

2010-06-15T21:26:00.004+08:00

Dear ,

Firstly, it's up to each of us if we thought these two days were useful or useless. Whether we got anything out from it or not. Whether we expected it to be better or worse.

Despite the above, you cannot deny that you felt something. Some point in time throughout the period you had that special feeling of accomplishment or some sort? How do I describe it? Some EPIC feeling? Some awesome feeling on an extraordinary ordinary day?

Then again, think of it, we felt it before already, didn't we?

We went through times of trainings and activities together as a batch.
We went through many times:

Footdrill, getting screamed at for almost anything.
Savoring that water break, joking with one another for some silly mistake, some of us struggling to comprehend what your own feet was supposed to.
Maybe, we most probably preferred playing Games to doing PT.

I don't need to list every activity that we've gone through. You can remember your experiences, our experiences:

There was Promotion Camp. We entered the corp. There came CCC. After CCC some had our badges. We had Zone 7 Bowling. We had Zone Presentation. We had AGI.

One year and I can't list everything out.

Just when our SJAB life was getting painted on. We had 2 new friends. There came competition too. There came achievements made known to us, to be earned. Henceforth the pride, we expected to uphold. Under the next Committee of 2009, came a new batch of cadets. Came seniors and officers we now know of. Came H1N1 and our June Holidays wiped almost clean. Sooner or later November camps we had to attend. And yes, BNCOC.

Shortly after, these times I need not explain: CCA Open House. Probationary Committee of 2010 New batch of cadets. Promotion camp. FAC Competition 2010 CCC

Upcoming, ANCOC. St John Day.Stepping Up.
and beyond...

Where was I? I must have gone off.

You know what that feeling was? Why that feeling happened? Because of this that's why we pulled through all the past. What?

We went through tasks, working together with our individual actions, keeping mind towards a common goal.

2010-06-14T19:56:00.002+08:00

The Greatest Punishment You Can Ever Give Is Forgiveness
A Selfless Forgiveness, One Never Expecting Guilt As A Condition.

what is?

2010-06-12T20:55:00.002+08:00

says it all

2010-06-11T20:06:00.002+08:00

click the picture for more. sadly, i can't fit the whole pic in.

omgwtfbbq.

2010-06-10T21:28:00.000+08:00

omg, wtf. 10 days of free holidays days left.
no mood to play.

act XIV

2010-06-10T00:37:00.003+08:00

14

You, the one trying to stand tall and pout in our faces, trying to shout and get our attentions to you.
You think you win? You think you got all the support you needed? You think you'll get your desperate message across to whoever you want?

Think again, no one really care. No one bothers about you. I don't care about you, I bet others don't too.
Think again, you get nothing.

You lose, have a good day :)

it's been some time to

2010-05-28T20:02:00.002+08:00

the 28 of June, 2010.

i woke up to this day.
somewhat indifferent, as though this day was like any other.
however, the day passed by and now i stare at the following weeks and days.

camps, courses, projects, homework.

i'm scared
why? because i don't know what to do, what i'm doing.
i'm scared people will be disappointed in me, will scream in my face that i didn't do a good job or whatever, or will complain behind the scenes and my paranoia's active.

but, i don't want to do anything.
i need rest.
i need - be happy.

somehow... i feel that's not the right thing to do, not yet.

i've got things to handle.

before they even dare scream at me.
before i'm convinced they will, because they might, they surely can.
but think, why am i so worried about?

(working on)

2010-05-17T20:56:00.006+08:00

The Principles of the Burdened

"Burden is self-inflicted, not caused by others. Others influence burden, and your weakness will surely succumb to it."

act XIII

2010-05-15T23:10:00.005+08:00

13

Why, did I reject high and promising positions?
Did I really have a capability? Or was I just a fool?

But, I know why now:

I despised politics.

Playing a game would only bring burden.

act XII

2010-05-14T14:28:00.002+08:00

12

"It's fairly obvious, your actions. However, you're helping.
I don't mind having shut ourselves up."

act XI

2010-05-13T22:55:00.002+08:00

11

I'm sick of the questions.

So I ask them, "What do you do in your time?"
They replied, "We spend our time working hard for others. And also dwelling greatly on others actions and words to us and our words and actions to each other."

"Guess why I have the time? Because I don't what you do."

act X

2010-05-13T22:44:00.004+08:00

10

"I wish I could go out of routine and be in many places. I wish i could do many things."
They ask me, "Do you have the time?"

"I have," I tell them, "all the time in the world."

there, it's over!

2010-05-12T20:33:00.003+08:00

mid year exams are over and done with, not yet actually, results next monday :/

last paper was emath.
hm...
i shall not bore you with my stale exam experiences, shall we?

anyways, after the paper ended, guess what was my immediate agenda?
CCA.
particularly NDP, haha, 'responsibility' much?
just 3 days after the exams and i've to wear my half uniform again :|
doesn't matter actually.
seems like i'm in the sense that i've got all the time in the world.

talking about time.
ate lunch with e3? no. e4? neither.
other than the guys, that was all.
and we watched iron man 2 afterwards.
got them to stay for the credits to see the 'supposedly' extra scene.
take that! there was an extra scene :D

sadly, after that, we had pretty much nothing to do.
and it was only 3 at the afternoon.
sigh.
went back home and read Wiseguys, watched anime, and played tf2.

talk about an in-house routine.
god, soon enough it'll bore me...

be happy

2010-05-11T20:37:00.004+08:00

this afternoon i finally had a desired nap.
was so sleepy for the afternoon i dozed off for half an hour, as the rain poured outside, and the room was cool ._.

of course, revised afterwards, just some read-up on concepts.

i feel so much less burdened than last year.

i wonder why do people bother being so tedious to themselves by worrying too much or dwelling on such trivial hopes and matters.
don't waste your time, or energy, or mind, or emotions.

there! that's the reason why i feel much less burdened:
Because I don't have such an emotional, mind-filled, wearisome, time-wasting burden.

furthermore, i have time for other things in life :)

beats me what other people think about my holiday schedule.
yes, it is burnt up. but i'm sure i won't die in the end :)

about time i posted this,

2010-05-09T20:04:00.007+08:00

Written by Neil Brian on 19/9/2009

The Principles of Letting Go (remastered)

Before the time you had to let go, there was the time you held it. Before you held it, you had nothing before.

If you had nothing at the very start, is there harm to return back to nothing?
~
Here is a analogy:

You lived under the night sky, where the fields shone under moonlight and starlight. Simple and soothing. And then you lived under that same sky with a torch: a flame warm and comfy.

If you lose the torch, is it harm to return back to the simplicity of the night sky?
With it turn out so bad that the moon and stars would too, disappear?

If letting go means to revert to such a 'normal' time, there is no harm.
~

But, there is harm. It is the harm caused by confusion and contradiction of yourself.

What do we all let go off? Often, we let go of an object previously held so dearly to us. And the object had to leave and that is unfortunate.

It hurts, doesn't it? To have that object leave you, and nothing you could possibly say or think or do can get it back.

You truly let go because it hurts. It is obvious, why hold on to something that hurts? You may say that the object is your happiness and love, but regardless, it still hurt you in the end.

Why do you still try to hold on? Because you believe you can fight for that happiness and love back? You're already hurt and you want to get hurt more by fighting?

That, my friend, is a contradiction.

The truth, you must realize, is that you have forgotten you are fighting for something that has left you already. Therefore, you are holding to nothing at all.

You have to let go because it hurts.
You have to left go because you can't fight for it,
because you are holding on to nothing; something that had already left.

And it hurts so much fighting.
Fighting for nothing you are holding on to.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

***Some bonus info:
The purpose of such 'Principles' was to get my perspectives on life straight to the point.
Such thoughts are true to my mind, during which I've written this.
These 'Principles' are not directed at person in particular, the purpose of such principle is to share my perspectives with other. Be it to help or to disagree with.
These 'Principles' are inspired by the various experiences I've experienced in life.
For me to learn, for the better :)

blazing

2010-05-09T19:30:00.002+08:00

updated my Links.
removed like 5+ dead blog links,
mostly because "Blog not Found".
fortunately i've given Private blogs a chance,
but there's like 3+ private blogs in the list, and why bother reading?
the only thing i can expect is a Permission Denied. haha.

oh well, anyway. this sunday i wore:
A blue-purple thin-striped long-sleeved shirt from Hang Ten Urban Wear
A pair of slim jeans (not skinny, i don't own skinnies) from Levi's Signature
A pair Converse sneakers.

show off much? tsk.

but actually... that's not the point.
the point is that i've yet to find a day when i can wear my blazer.

god, what should i do?
host a dinner and dance or something? like i got the cash -.-
wear it to northpoint? please... wth?

anyways, nevermind about my whining.
3 more papers to go.
yes! no chinese paper for me!
gonna spend lunch with the no-MT-paper group :D

act IX

2010-05-08T22:42:00.010+08:00

9

"Sometimes I say the stupid things, I think."
"Yes, you do."

"Right... But do you think you really know how I feel?"

life's kinematic

2010-05-08T14:16:00.004+08:00

i've been reflecting on my past occasionally.
and i've realised that people, including myself, change all the time.
haha, whatever.

was reading my saved messages when i was bored.
FYI: there are only two messages by myself, so stop thinking of other types of messages.

one message was the address for compassvale sec.
the other message was...

Resolutions for the Year:
Try not to be a jerk.
Don't answer teacher's questions so often.
Lay low, don't establish a well known or high position.
Ignore those you can't forgive your wrongdoing, before, now or after.
Never feel depressed, or at the least, try not to.
Establish new connections gradually.
Forgive your past, forgive yourself.
Have happiness, find happiness.
Have hope, find hope.

saved:
07:58:44am
09-01-2010

on another note, exams was kinda ok.
a taste of sec 3 papers.
and i've finished my sciences papers!
woohoo!

enjoyed last friday afternoon after chem paper with the 3e4 guys.
eating, reliving our childhoods, slacking around in the playground.
going to yishun park and play swing, ninja warrior, spinning.
And yes, Blind Mice!

haha, played basketball till it rained shortly.

aw.
what a fun day.

if i were a goodfella

2010-04-23T20:13:00.004+08:00

Anything I wanted was a phone call away. Free cars. The keys to a dozen hideout flats all over the city. I bet twenty, thirty grand over a weekend and then I'd either blow the winnings in a week or go to the sharks to pay back the bookies.
For us to live any other way was nuts. Uh, to us, those goody-good people who worked shitty jobs for bum paychecks and took the subway to work every day, and worried about their bills, were dead. I mean they were suckers. They had no balls. If we wanted something we just took it. If anyone complained twice they got hit so bad, believe me, they never complained again
Didn't matter. It didn't mean anything. When I was broke, I'd go out and rob some more. We ran everything. We paid off cops. We paid off lawyers. We paid off judges. Everybody had their hands out. Everything was for the taking. And now it's all over.
And that's the hardest part. Today everything is different; there's no action... have to wait around like everyone else. Can't even get decent food - right after I got here, I ordered some spaghetti with marinara sauce, and I got egg noodles and ketchup.
I'm an average nobody... get to live the rest of my life

like a schnook.

2010-04-23T19:56:00.005+08:00

For us to what's the point to live studying? any other way was nuts. Uh, to us, i don't want to be those goody-good people who worked shitty jobs for I need a job with bum great paychecks and took the i don't mind taking subway to work every day, and I don't wanna be worried about their my bills, were I don't want to be dead. I'm mean they were not gonna be a suckers. They had no balls. If we wanted something we just took it. If anyone complained twice they got hit so bad, believe me, they never complained again

but what's the point?
game designing just a poly path.
what? i'm supposed to be a computer engineer?
do i get paid good? i want to get paid good.
what's the point of triple science i ask you?
i'm not gonna be a frickin doctor. never.

2010-04-17T21:14:00.002+08:00

NOT FOR A PASS, NOR A POSITION.
BUT.
I NEED TO WORK. NOW.

again

2010-04-14T21:41:00.002+08:00

it's that godd*mn feeling of
complacency

now posted as,

2010-04-13T21:13:00.003+08:00

exams are coming.
looking rather forward for it.
my first Sec 3 exam paper. what to expect?
i feel more hope~~less~~ful than last year.
i've to study, of course :)
good thing chinese is gone out of my life. i've got my CLB oral tmrw.
i don't really care for a position actually. some people deserve it more.

as posted on,

2010-04-13T21:01:00.006+08:00

6:00 PM - Thursday, April 30, 2009
@ http://pplaythatbeat.blogspot.com/

exams are coming.
didn't see someone online for a few days.
most probably because of mugging for
the exams. and doesn't look in good shape
or mood in days.
other than having happiness in folding flying stuff.
i read.
i understand.
but i don't understand why
i'm still waiting for the person...

and even if i wait.
it's all going to end.
i'm the unstable atom,
half-life till full decomposition.
the person's going and gone soon enough.
sigh.

i decided to set full throttle for
mugging today.
sigh.
it's labour day but
i've to study.

i don't look very very forward to mye.
science test looks horrible.
i need to balance equations.
maths test seem ok but i'm not content.
i need to refresh my knowledge.
english compre went to the year lowest.
just have to stop making mistakes during the paper.
literature.
my poem is screwed.
sigh.
but my paper should be ok.
geo
is the only thing i need not care much.
i only need to refresh my knowledge for that too.
hist.
some drops in points.
chinese.
hopeless case.

i care of a pass.
but i care more of a position.

leave the bus, look out the window

2010-04-06T20:51:00.007+08:00

so god damn f*cking sian in the corner of the classroom.

nothing to talk about.
hearing nonsense about being lost about life.

please, i don't have all the time and mind in the world to really bother about you.

and even if i want to talk, who the hell care what i say?
tsk, tsk.

i ask for help, i don't know why, it's either i speak too soft or people are deaf.
i do not consider ignorance a condition, its a disability as worse as deafness.

mr tee is pro -.-
he finally, i say, FINALLY, realise i'm asking him a question.
in the end, he bother?

no, fucking No.

tsk. tsk.

teacher after teacher, adding a tedious burden in my life.

oh shut up brian, i've got no time and mind in the world to bother about these matters...

(edit) you've got all the time and the mind in the world?

2010-04-05T18:03:00.013+08:00

Principles of My Life

(i) To be happy and every action I make benefits me, and everyone on my side, most.
(ii) To refrain from the tediousness* of life, as much as possible, forsaking only what is needed, and through this achieve (i)

*in which politics is tedious
**in which dwelling over pointless matters of hypocrisy is tedious
***in which dwelling over sadness and regret is tedious
****in which dwelling over the opinions of others towards me which I have no right, nor time in the world to bother about, is tedious

on Monday, April 20, 2009

2010-04-04T22:15:00.004+08:00

8:13 PM) timothyfoong: and

do you wanna go AA?

(8:13 PM) ~i'll face out a: wah, stress...hm
why not.
ok
(8:13 PM) timothyfoong: !!
(8:14 PM) ~i'll face out a: but i'm kinda tired of training already.
(8:14 PM) timothyfoong: we're not starting training anytime soon
(8:15 PM) ~i'll face out a: well, i don't mind doing another tense day of footdrill, long case (yay), short case and toc next year.
(8:15 PM) timothyfoong:

next year will be damn tense damn difficult

(8:15 PM) ~i'll face out a: oh, then...
(8:16 PM) ~i'll face out a: um...
(8:16 PM) timothyfoong: okay, i'll take that as a yes first okay?
(8:16 PM) ~i'll face out a: ok
how about you?
(8:17 PM) timothyfoong: still deciding.
(8:17 PM) ~i'll face out a: well, if you're going i'm going. who the hell will call if i'm not.
(8:18 PM) timothyfoong: haha
(8:18 PM) ~i'll face out a: hah. well, good night. cya

d'oh

2010-04-01T21:45:00.001+08:00

i don't know why.
i've got this habit of complaining about life.
maybe i'm just neurotic ._.

competition day in 2 days.

i cut my hair, i don't feel different ):

been to facebook, busy seeing well known people repeatedly spamming birthday greetings or wall posts to others. tsk. (hypocrites, tsk, posers, tsk ): )

whatever.
sigh...

yawn/.

i need candy

2010-03-29T20:50:00.003+08:00

There's something about April, May, June that really pisses me off.

I don't really know why? Those 3 month from last year were the suckiest.

Anyway...

I don't really know what I want.

I know I want to win FAC,

I know I want the best for AISSSJAB corp.

However, I'm lacking the mood.

My mood's getting killed off gradually.

Things start to suck in life and it worsens my mood even further.

Please, whatever minute things that don't make sense to me.

Don't tick me off.

I feel like flaring up. I feel like I want to scream at all the hypocrisy and sarcasm.

But I don't to screw up my life. Please, please....

Beyond FAC, then what?

Win Gold? Go Nats? Waste more time?

How find time to study and play? Friends complain I CCA freak?
Then what? Maybe go SINMAL (bullshit, no way) ? Waste more more time.

I tell myself I need to get the reputation "go this comp, that comp etc etc -.-"

But what's the point?

Win Silver? Still have NDP? Maybe it's more meaningful.

Since I don't want to die down every Friday training finding no purpose in SJAB anymore.

tsk.

Win Bronze? Oh please... you think I wish for that?

tsk tsk....

So what am i supposed to do?

Be Happy; Accept Life, don't turn it down?

I hope, really, really...

i lie in the fields, awake

2010-03-26T22:54:00.003+08:00

Stars shine in the moonlit sky.

They come and go; Shimmer, then die.

You are over us, but who will ever look up to you?

Do you know how often we look at the sky?

And if we do, how well can we find you?

All these stars in the sky, they shine all the same.

Comes day; comes night.

You are not our only light.

Once the sun comes, you shine no more.

You can be the star much brighter,

does a flash of yours light forever?

You can be the star so higher,

but the ground will always stay.

Stars will will die off, disappear forever.

The ground will never shake.

Who will ever notice that?

meaningless, meaningless, i believe these matters are meaningless.

2010-03-22T19:01:00.000+08:00

we are all human. i'm sorry.

2010-03-20T22:02:00.002+08:00

ask yourself, why are we even this state? we're all obviously aware but do we bother looking beyond each others expressions?

Do you want to feel helpless?

Do we want to go along this year helpless side by side?

Or do we stand together as one?

Question is:

How do we stand?

Do we work together?

Have we worked together?

How do we work together?

Working together through committee run decisions requires

Understanding and Trust and Communication

How does Understanding come about?

Through a clear organisation,

a organisation that allows smoothly run processes.

Through a clear a distinct leadership between people,

a leadership that will drive the committee in its decision.

How does Trust come about?

Through transparency,

such transparency that convinces us that we can work together.

However, how much transparent should we go?
Too much transparency or too little affects relations between people.

How does Communication come about?

Through initiative

an initiative that will allow processes to run even smoother;
an initiative of assistance.

Through leadership drives

a drive that will encourage the initiative;

not a drive that benefits the leaders themselves.

in a world where initiative doesn't exist and people believe in helping themselves, assistance is nonsense.

beyond my expression

2010-03-20T21:49:00.002+08:00

do you know how it feels, to know, everything is a lie, what fools we are...

Introduction

I am very pissed. I don't know why and I don't know who's the greater fool. I don't know which side is correct, what sides even exist in the first place. I'm just very pissed, really, really.

What I'm going to write is very open, very transparent. I do not consider myself ignorant, I no longer consider myself neutral, neither am I on anyone's side, nor am I sure what I say is correct, nor I don't know what I want, which to choose.

Whatever that happens in front of you, are Lies. Hypocrites who made the greatest fools out of one another. I disgust them, I despise them. Technically, I believe I'm correct. Human instincts dictates we we all believe we are.

Once I was no one, I was in my own world believing in that false front of everyone being together, very happy or at the least, somewhat content with one another.

Wrong. Deep down, everyone's in a game of deception, backstabbing, scheming, politics, betrayal and espionage. How do I know this? I've just been recently been introduced to this world, this Game of theirs. I was made known of a back story, I guess I'm on my own to figure things out.

I registered.

2010-03-19T22:13:00.001+08:00

first i'm stressful.

further more, and i'll turn depressed.

please, for my sake, fuck off.

the paranoid web-user

2010-03-16T16:23:00.003+08:00

i study every single thing in internet society (ahem, if i have the free time)

and i can turn paranoid to the simplest actions.

firstly, a simple 5 word status message in Facebook or any social website, can be loudest message a person can make to the whole world.

If you bother thinking through why the hell post that status message? you'll realise it's about someone or something.

You'll start checking for credibility, corroboration with other status messages.

And in the end, perhaps you'll realise it's a very vague online love note to whoever, or even an insult.

secondly, the online/offline/busy/away statuses you make can be LIES.

especially the well-known "Appear Offline".

congrats, you're attempting to hide to millions of users, hundreds of friends, ten of the closest people.
but remember, once you perform an online action, let's say a facebook wall post, and people realise you're offline that point of time.

i'll elaborate on others in the future.

tired of blogging

2010-02-27T20:25:00.004+08:00

aw, i never update for a long time.

anw, life's nothing much.

studies are ok...

i guess?

i love my free mother tongue period XD

i finally finalised the sjab corp tee, after 4 deadline extensions, wooh!

i went thru my first first aid case for the year!

parade for achievement day, i suppose?

i hate justin bieber!

i hate private blogs!

haha, *nosey face*

hm.

tf2'ing, doing homework, eating, sleeping.

living life, be happy.

Happy, happy, happy

2010-02-12T20:22:00.004+08:00

Happy Chinese New Year!

Happy Valentines Day!

Happy Birthday Dad!

ok, i'm 1 day earlier, but what the heck.

anw, today was cny celebration.

best drama from ODDS i've seen in years.

borrowed a costume from jin kheng.

nothing else other than a typical cny school celebration

3e4 won best decor. wooh.

after celebration, had to help mr soo ):

shift some furniture.

together with alin, chongsoon and junxiang.

tsk, we're all reluctant to help.

treat to ice-kachang. mr soo is catholic. wtf...

ok.

nevermind about him.

after helping, went to bus stop with junxiang.

i wanna go home change and go with the guys to lan ):

saw xinpeng there, nevermind what she did, just some errands.

soon found out no spot for me to play l4d2 in lan ):

slept in the bus stop.

slept enough to miss a bus -.-

wow, wth, how i could i be so sleepy?

went home, and found out

that alumni can go back to AndPSS! :D

taxi'd to school, met jia xuan first and then others, jun wen, edmund etc etc..

plenty of alumni there sec 1's and sec 2's, i was SEC 3 senior, wooh...

nothing much changed in anderson primary...

played dodgeball,

chatted with them about school and reminiscing about the times.

ate mee rebus at the canteen.

it's great to know that 6.7 still a great class to be with.

well, of course, i've got 2e3, we're great too.

i'm not a sentimental person actually.

but as long as i'm with people whom we are content with each,

that's just alright...

i need be

2010-02-04T22:17:00.004+08:00

enough enough enough.

i'm tired of talking and thinking stuff in my life.

so far,

i see myself ditching the effort to get a perfect msg.

oh hold on, it's impossible -.-

the world seems so boring because i'm stuck just doing what i'm supposed to do.

i enjoy the 6pm orange setting sun shining through the window in bus 965.

i enjoy the hustle and bustle of transfers in between mrt stations and lines.

i enjoy the mundane, quiet environment of a Senkang neighbourhood when walking to CLB.

sch's been a bore.

it's either i've been sleeping 1/2 an hour later than usual.

or that i feel all so bored during lesson.

triple sciences: you must be crazy.

lower sec, we learnt a science chapter at a time.

now in upper sec, learning tripled.

now i'm running 3 trains along my tracks.

my station is full and my passenger are impatient and grouchy.

by the time my train arrives, the passengers are tired and sleep.

a math + e math.

it's a love-hate relationship with the world of numbers and unknowns.

...

raging hormones.

hold on, correction, DYING hormones.

i feel like life's a standstill.

there's nothing nothing nothing to look forward to everyday.

i'm dying dying dying.

i regret my past,

i'm sorry sorry sorry.

for whatever shit to whoever shit.

I NEED TO BE HAPPY...

and i forgot who told me that

act X

2010-02-04T22:06:00.002+08:00

10

I said, "I'm sorry."

You said nothing. Either you didn't hear me or I spoke too soft.

I said again, "I'm sorry."

You said nothing. But neither didn't you hear nor I spoke too soft.

student's lament iii

2010-02-01T17:49:00.002+08:00

why do i feel so lazy?

why do i feel as though there is completely no purpose of studying so hard?

why do i feel like there's nothing worth working hard for, because no matter how hard worked, it's never enough?

why do i feel like there's others who can just somehow work extremely hard? are they robots? do they have a fruitful purpose in life just by working hard?

to how far and how much must we work?

we all toil under the scorching sun called workload.

we sweat under the heat called stress.

we lose our human spirit of being free and jolly.

and now work's our jolly and pride?

where's the fun and happiness that lingers in our hearts?

now i see seriousness and misery in our minds.

do you?

2010-01-27T22:21:00.003+08:00

life's been filled of going in and out of the house, to sch, and to other schools, and back home again.

via buses or mrts.

but that's not the point.

do you know how if feel to meet people you've never knew related.

screw facebook, i'm not talking about 'mutual' friends.

i mean, like you met a someone you've met before.

just that you're so far apart for a long time, meeting again is very significant.

something special sparks within you,

a surge of memories, a surge of emotions, happiness or regret.

do you know how it feels?

but the bad thing is that it dies down very quickly.

that when you know that special moment's going to end.

you're all-so disappointed.

it's an utter godd*mn killjoy.

the significance of that moment is suppressed so great, you decide to f*ck it off.

sigh...

do you know?

do you?

changing scenes

2010-01-26T22:32:00.002+08:00

As an advisory, I highly believe the Committee should forgive and forget all previous wrongdoings and failure of all it's members. The agenda for the long term is a challenge, that we, as a committee must face, regardless of the past.

act IX

2010-01-24T22:14:00.002+08:00

9

"You're a fool," I told him "Why set yourself up to a relationship which you were confused in right from the start?"

He said that love's like that, its a joke you cannot seem to laughing and smiling at, like a fool.

world-work-ready idealism

2010-01-21T20:45:00.004+08:00

do you know how it feels, to feel so stressed, as though something is squeezing you and pulling you apart. and you feel like crying, yet you feel like laughing because you feel so mad...

so very mad.

i feel like jumping around like a joker.

i want to punch people in the face.

i want to throw scissors at random people.

i want to be free.

BUT NOOOOOOOOOO.

4th principle of singapore governance: Reward for Work, Work for Reward.

(god, social studies...)

we, the students, are in this plight, caused by the mentioned principle.

we are working, so hard, so tired, so-almost dead.

because we want something out of it.

but not only that,

because we're supposed too.

-.-

look at what the singapore education system does to useless human resources,

DISCIPLINE. DETENTION. CODE OF CONDUCT ETC ETC.

singapore wants it's IDEAL citizen, they'll do anything to make you one, and if you aren't so ideal, you've no future.

...

sigh...

sigh....

before 20

2010-01-19T21:13:00.003+08:00

19 days has gone for this year.
19 days, wow...

19 days of waking up to a day of routine.
19 days of sleeping down from a day that makes me weary.
19 days of sitting on my chair.
19 days of listening blabber
19 days of sitting in the room, looking aimlessly around.
19 days heading aimlessly down corridors.
19 days of near-headaches.
19 days of near-stress.
19 days of near-depressions.
19 days of boredom.
19 days gone.

Many, Many, Many, More Days To Go.

stop the drama

2010-01-17T09:38:00.001+08:00

It saddens me of seeing the rivalry between you people. I don't care much whether it's hidden or not. To tell you the truth, if you people never find out what's going to get wrong soon enough, you have failed me and everyone watching.

act I [analysis]

2010-01-16T21:41:00.005+08:00

1

"Fine then, anything that'll make you happy."
"I'm not happy."
"Why?"
"I'm not happy with you, because of you."
"So? What are you gonna do about it. Are you going to change me?"
"Yes, I will if I can."
"The problem is, you can't. Fool, you can't change someone they way you want them to be. The easiest thing you can do, is to yourself."

when people do stuff that don't go your way, things you'll never expect.
you can't change them and their actions.
the easiest, and simplest, thing to do, is to yourself and adapt to it.
get over it.

you've got 6 million people out here on Earth, something has to go wrong.

You Have Failed Me

2010-01-14T22:35:00.005+08:00

It saddens me that despite the best efforts of others to instruct and better you, some of you insist on finding new ways to fail.

We have sounded the alert and in on the way of releasing a quick fix for an exploit that some unscrupulous idiots were using to wield power within the group. I have considered an appropriate punishment for the good-for-nothings responsible for this horrendous breach of conduct and trust. Humiliation, of course - but humiliation is too good for disappointments such as these. Instead, their reputation have been removed for a month, and may be subject to further extension.

To the majority of you who did not see fit to deceive me or others, you have my congratulations: I await the countless other ways you will inevitably disappoint me in the future.

Yours,
The Oversight

son,

2010-01-14T21:19:00.002+08:00

i am dissapoint.

this is dissapointing, extremely...
because
TF2 can't run well!

DDD:

student's lament ii

2010-01-12T16:14:00.010+08:00

(9:49 PM) {brian}: i cannot understand how student study hardcore

(9:49 PM) ChongSoon: perfect example is just right infront of me.

(9:50 PM) {brian}: me?
no

(9:50 PM) ChongSoon: you have no idea how the hell did you ignore us and go study yourself like some mad kid.
(9:50 PM) ChongSoon: for sa2 la that is.

(9:50 PM) {brian}: that was when i needed to study

(9:50 PM) ChongSoon: yeh.

(9:51 PM) {brian}: a smart student studies when he needs to, revises and understands some when he can,

(9:51 PM) ChongSoon: am i a smart student like you?

(9:51 PM) {brian}: idk
(9:51 PM) {brian}: the sch expects hardcore students, every sch does...

(9:52 PM) ChongSoon: o-o

(9:52 PM) {brian}: the ideal student is someone who works hard for his/her future, with working a priority over his lifestyle.
that's just fked up

(9:53 PM) ChongSoon: our school is fked up
organzier also need care lols

(9:53 PM) {brian}: that one i can do.

(9:53 PM) ChongSoon: i everyday tell my form teacher
cher i change something can ar?
then ok
then next day
i change the format to other format
(9:54 PM) ChongSoon: i think by the end of this month..
the default format gone for me liao

(9:54 PM) {brian}: lol
sigh

(9:54 PM) ChongSoon: “Get over the idea that only children should spend their time in study. Be a student so long as you still have something to learn, and this will mean all your life.”

(9:55 PM) {brian}:
i always imagined myself to travel the world, maybe across europe, and be a learner too.
and a 'learner', meaning, someone who experiences the time he has and understands it.
instead of this random, jumble of facts and questions and answers.
tell me honestly
is your ideal future shaped by the 7 subjects you take?
are you telling me, that most probably you'll be an engineer, and thank schooling for teaching you mathematics.
however, you feel useless knowing unwanted information of geography and shit?
god, the world's doesn't make sense.

false start

2010-01-10T15:50:00.003+08:00

i sat in the bus stop, with a head aching so hard, with a weary heart so heavy .

i looked at the passing cars and buses and i feel awkward.

i'm not moving forward. i'm stuck.

i'm stuck in the past, in the year 2009.

and then i realised i had made a wrong move:

i had no resolution.

that's the problem,

i can't be exactly what i was last year this year.

in the new environment, whether i like it or not, i had to change and adapt.

i didn't know what i had or should do this year.

so, i decided to resolute my year,

or it'll be too late.

before the race

2010-01-06T19:21:00.004+08:00

"i don't know what resolutions i have. haha."

QUOTED FRIDAY, JANUARY 1, 2010&NBSP1:04 PM

haha. joke?

no, i'm dead serious.

2010 is just another year.

i've gone through 14 years in life, do i get a medal?

is this a milestone in my life?

to see the fireworks on the tv fill up the sky.

to scream the countdown?

i don't feel the significance. i wouldn't feel different even if i saw it for real.

do you get a reward for living years of your life?

or are we supposed to work and toil, and our produce our gain.

but aren't we all not content?

we all know there's something better out there.

there's something better than what we're right now.

even though on the eve of the end of 2009.

i looked happy and jolly.

deep down, deep down i felt nothings moving forward.

there's no advance, there's no future.

there's no such thing as future or the past.

everything is present and everything is NOW.

the year with the mentioned number is a measurement.

nothing more...

i think.

1 step off the line

2010-01-05T21:39:00.003+08:00

i'm of no right to say anything much about the class yet, it's been only 2 days.

but anyway, the school bag is a load.

i bet i could swing it at a window at it would break, effortlessly.

the teachers are quite ok.

however the day drags, it's as drab and dull.

i stretched in boredom in class, slouched.

yawn, i kinda miss the jokers of 2e3, haha.

the school's quite a joke.

like it's a system f*cked up.

the whole world is.

but i believe i have hope and happiness.

that's the key.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

2010-01-01T13:04:00.002+08:00

spent a great time chatting with the class last night for the countdown.

tsk, haha, never went our for anything.

can't even see any fireworks from kathib.

the only fireworks i saw was from the TV.

oh well.

a new year.

not much of a big deal.

i don't know what resolutions i have. haha.

oh well.

act I - VIII

2009-12-28T22:25:00.003+08:00

"Fine then, anything that'll make you happy."

"I'm not happy."

"Why?"

"I'm not happy with you, because of you."

"So? What are you gonna do about it. Are you going to change me?"

"Yes, I will if I can."

"The problem is, you can't. Fool, you can't change someone they way you want them to be. The easiest thing you can do, is to yourself."

They asked me one day, "Whose side are you on?"

I tell them, "Never on any."

"Do you have something against me?"

"No."

"Well then, OK, but if you do, I don't give a damn. Because I've held up so much I wished I never knew you."

I don't understand the crumpling inside feeling. I'm not weak, not saying anyone is.

But I feel like they are stupid, that they don't understand what I understand. They don't agree with what I agree. Just stupid. Nevertheless, why the hell am I there?

5

"Why? Am I supposed to do what you expect me to do? What am I? A doll? Some drama actor you wish would do?"

"Because I believed you would do it. Because I trusted you to. You told me you'd do it."

"Must I keep up to your expectations all the time? Can't I fail you for once? You think I'm perfect?"

"You're a disappointment. You're a lair."

"Sorry to disappoint you but so what? Am I supposed to put up an apology, because you expect it? Am I supposed to do what you want as an apology?"

"Yes you jerk, because it's the right thing to do."

"For you, that is. Not for me..."

Why should I put up to people's expectations? Am I a sure success? I'm not perfect. All the fools are forcing me to be so.

They said I was selfish.

I said at least I would probably be the last one alive while everyone else would die selflessly for each other.

They asked me "Do you think you love her?"

I told them "A thought love is a useless and untrue love." That I had to know I loved her.

Because knowing that you love someone is better than thinking you do; like knowing that you're going to die is far more serious than thinking you would.

So, they asked me again, "Do you know you love her?"

"I don't know," I replied "Sadly I don't."

acts III

2009-12-27T11:16:00.003+08:00

They asked me "Do you think you love her?"

I told them "A thought love is a useless and untrue love." That I had to know I loved her.

Because knowing that you love someone is better than thinking you do; like knowing that you're going to die is far more serious than thinking you would.

So, they asked me again, "Do you know you love her?"

"I don't know," I replied "Sadly I don't."

jolly is the merry soul

2009-12-27T10:52:00.004+08:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

it's the 3rd day of Christmas but i don't care i'm late, you see.

yesterday i went to the zoo.

company trip.

and the zoo's changed over the years.

like everything else in singapore.

somerset, orchard has new malls.

soon sentosa and marina bay will change too.

fiddled around with my father's camera.

wooh. i love manual focus.

i managed to do some pictures with spiffy angles.

mainly animals, and plants.

sadly it rained late afternoon.

we crowded around the polar bear enclosure.

after some while we went back home.

i changed and took my presents.

and santa's hat

off to ash's party.

met up with israfael and afiq at the market.

met up with michael on the bus.

saw the guys at the swimming pool.

and soon we went bbq.

not much people came, but hey, as long as we are part of a class, that's good enough.

huddled around eating prawns.

haha, fatin can shell prawns out with one hand.

chatted around.

talking about life and family, the sorts.

then taxi-d home with fatin and michael.

2e3 is a great class.

every student now feels worried, how's he supposed to start his 3rd year,

anew with a new background, with people old and new, with teachers, with subjects and a cca.

jingle-ly jingle-ly balls on my tree.

2009-12-24T10:31:00.005+08:00

oh what the hell!

enough of my thought-filled, complex, profound, whatever posts.

because:

IT'S GONNA BE CHRISTMAS!

TONIGHT'S CHRISTMAS EVE!

I'M GONNA COLLECT THE CHRISTMAS LOG CAKE FOR THE FAMILY!

I'M GONNA BUY SMALL GIFTS FOR EACH SPECIAL PERSON I KNOW!

AND I PRESENT YOU A CHOCOLATE CHRISTMAS!

well not yet.

i've yet to buy today.

acts II

2009-12-23T10:54:00.005+08:00

5

"Why? Am I supposed to do what you expect me to do? What am I? A doll? Some drama actor you wish would do?"

"Because I believed you would do it. Because I trusted you to. You told me you'd do it."

"Must I keep up to your expectations all the time? Can't I fail you for once? You think I'm perfect?"

"You're a disappointment. You're a lair."

"Sorry to disappoint you but so what? Am I supposed to put up an apology, because you expect it? Am I supposed to do what you want as an apology?"

"Yes you jerk, because it's the right thing to do."

"For you, that is. Not for me..."

Why should I put up to people's expectations? Am I a sure success? I'm not perfect. All the fools are forcing me to be so.

They said I was selfish.

I said at least I would probably be the last one alive while everyone else would die selflessly for each other.

off the snowed track

2009-12-22T22:30:00.001+08:00

Remember when I caught your eye
you gave me rainbows and butterflies
we did enjoy our happiness?
when our love was over
I was such a mess

I smiled at you
and you smiled back
that's when I knew
there?s no turning back
you said you loved me
and I did too
now though it's over
I still love you

you're in my mind
you're in my heart
I wish I knew right from the start
all my friends said you break my heart
A heartbreaker right from the start

I tried to fight it
I tried so hard
and every day
I pray to god
that you and me were meant to be
but you had another
you had a lover

And now is gone
I don't know why
I feel like crying
just want to die
I can't look at you
and you know why
no, I tried so hard
to catch your eye

you're in my mind
you're in my heart
I wish I knew right from the start
all my friends said you break my heart
A heartbreaker right from the start

you're in my mind
you're in my heart
I wish I knew right from the start
all my friends said you break my heart
A heartbreaker right from the start

2009-12-20T12:21:00.003+08:00

Note to Reader:

The Definition posts are meant as an educational or informative guide.

My objective is to educate or inform readers to the varied meanings of the words they say or hear, with the help of http://www.urbandictionary.com/

you like to 'woohoo'?

2009-12-20T12:18:00.003+08:00

definition of woohoo

A term for "sex" in the Sims 2 simulation game. In order to keep it rated "T" for teen, Maxis needed to use "woohoo" instead of "sex"

or

A word that may be said when something good has happened.

or

Extreme satisfaction. There is really no other way to say it.

credits/source: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=woohoo

ya prolly not gonna QQ over this

2009-12-19T19:06:00.002+08:00

definition of Prolly

Shortened version of "probably". Typically used in online conversations, although REALLY lazy people have started using it in verbal conversations as well...

definition of QQ

Literally, QQ is a set of crying eyes. However, given its usual context in online games, it is usually assumed to mean "Cry more noob."

credits: http://www.urbandictionary.com

greater heights

2009-12-19T18:30:00.006+08:00

hello, i'm back in singapore!

bleh.

i got ripped off.

the 24hr internet service was for 24 hours straight.

seriosuly, who uses the computer for 24 hours straight?

there goes RM48

anyway, here's the post that was supposed to appear on the 16th of Nov

today we went to genting for the day.

woke up at 5am to eat and bathe.

then we took a cab to puduraya terminal, not far from the hotel.

well, duh, we're still in the city.

i enjoy the friendly taxi drivers haha.

got the tickets for the bus to the skyway station.

took skyway, blah blah blah.

ok, on towards the point, genting didn't change much.

walked around.

went to the theme park.

and, woah.

there were many chinese malaysian teens at the park.

bloody hell.

how do i know they are chinese malaysian?

well, because *prolly chinese singaporeans can never pay for the trip.

let me tell you the stereotype:

black and white clothes, a pinch of pink for girls
hot pants
+ stockings, well, of course, it's cold up there.
sweater
most of the time have tattoo.
hokkien speaking.
together with a bunch or with girlfriends.

it was only until around noon or afternoon when the families arrive.

haha

THE RIDES WERE GREAT!

BUT THE QUEUES WERE HORRIBLE >:(

how long do you have to wait, 30 mins or something?

just for a ride that last less than 10mins ?

oh c'mon there no rationale behind this.

because of the above-mentioned situation.

me and father decided we could only ride 1 epic thrill ride today.

Spaceshot or Corkscrew

we chose the latter.

corkscrew was being close that time, a long queue were already there.

we queued. and after {insert any seemingly long amount} mins

the ride was opened.

and some teens rushed to cut queue.

motherf******....

ok, after {insert a seemingly longer amount than previous} mins.

we finally arrived.

i got to take out my glasses.

and just nice, the fog came.

and i couldn't see anything.

not even the tracks on the side.

vroom, and the ride was over.

for a second there i thot i really wasted my time.

well, heck it. it's over. what i gonna do?

ok, back to the bus terminal.

bought some tickets back to kl.

and played the waiting game.

the bus came and went, we're back in kl.

but not in the hotel yet.

looking for taxi

"to corus hotel? RM20" said the driver.
"RM15 lah, corus is near." my father rebutted
"RM20, got traffic"
"RM15...aiyah, never mind. i go find other."
"ok ok, RM15."

haha, anti-touting at its best.

and soon we're back in the hotel room.

when i realised the internet service timed-out.

"oh f*ck, my post."

PS: lazy to post pictures. what you gonna do? *QQ over it?

meh, i've to tell you this

2009-12-15T21:20:00.001+08:00

definition of Meh

Indifference; to be used when one simply does not care.

picture says all

2009-12-15T19:15:00.002+08:00

hello people!

i'm at corus hotel, kl, malaysia.

finally got my father to buy the internet access.

24 hour use for RM48 :P

anw, chewing gum galore in m'sia eh?

ok. KLCC was the first mall we've been to.

bloody luxury stores, louis vuitton, prada, coach, whatever.

i noticed that the branded stores such as converse, quicksilver, billlabong, the sorts,

would most probably be on the top few levels.

the tower doesn't look as tall as i expected it to be.

looks short from below. meh.

maybe that's how people see me, short. :P

spent the evening with family staring at the fountain.

haha, staring, sounds boring eh?

ok. on tues, which is today, considering yesterday was the first day in KL.

we went to berjaya times square.

cheaper than klcc i must say.

some small shops.

AND I BOUGHT MY JACKET! :D

AND SHORT! :DD

and henceforth spent RM200 :P

sadly, i didn't go to the theme park. haha

the roller coaster was EPIC scream standard, i could hear.

ate at kenny rogers.

roast chicken with the family.

ok, went to Starhill Gallery

bloody luxury goods, we never bought them.

skip!

ok, went to Pavilion,

typical high end shopping mall.

think of it like raffles city, only bigger.

and walked backed to the hotel.

watched ESPN football in the room.

woah, nice.

i think football's pretty nice.

anyways, going to Genting tomorrow.

bye!

bump

2009-12-12T12:56:00.004+08:00

eh, i don't know why i'm so emo with those posts, haha.

anyways.

class chalet was fun.

period. nothing else.

other than cycling, sleeping, tai-ti, bbq, whatever.

hm...

back at home, nothing much happening.

feeling bored on facebook, many friends joining stupid groups. -.-

eh, mafia wars screwed up, tsk, i never play it for quite a while...

what else?

oh, going m'sia, kl next week.

hopefully they'll sell cheaper clothes there.

i want to update my wardrobe :)

that's all i guess.

off finding for some techno beats.

acts

2009-12-11T20:12:00.006+08:00

"Fine then, anything that'll make you happy."

"I'm not happy."

"Why?"

"I'm not happy with you, because of you."

"So? What are you gonna do about it. Are you going to change me?"

"Yes, I will if I can."

"The problem is, you can't. Fool, you can't change someone they way you want them to be. The easiest thing you can do, is to yourself."

They asked me one day, "Whose side are you on?"

I tell them, "Never on any."

"Do you have something against me?"

"No."

"Well then, OK, but if you do, I don't give a damn. Because I've held up so much I wished I never knew you."

I don't understand the crumpling inside feeling. I'm not weak, not saying anyone is.

But I feel like they are stupid, that they don't understand what I understand. They don't agree with what I agree. Just stupid. Nevertheless, why the hell am I there?

A Capiche?

2009-12-07T22:50:00.002+08:00

"I don't like it when people tell me what they think of others.

Because I don't wanna know.
Cause I don't really much care.

Unless, I want to know and I ask them."

Oh sorry? Did I hurt you? Get over it.

2009-12-07T22:48:00.003+08:00

anw, a short late night post.

lazy much?

haha. anw, class chalet coming up.

am i excited? not much.

meh.

anw, the very thing i know about next year is:

i don't have a march holiday to look forward to... :(

2009-12-06T21:57:00.002+08:00

"This is my world. You are not welcome in my world."

i feel quite pissed off for no reason right now, haha.

no one, had this feeling

2009-12-05T20:54:00.003+08:00

prove me wrong.

do you know the feeling, that you feel so jealous yet happy yet indifferent yet irritated?

so goddamn confused for that very moment but soon you don't much care :)

more of,

you see something you never really knew much.

you know about it, you expected it.

and you feel so damn stupid realising it now.

you feel like a fool

the fool who wants to smack his/her head off his'/her's body.

any person in concern of that subject.

you feel like a jealous fool :)

but,

you feel somehow indifferent.

like 'hey, i don't give a damn about that!'

should you care?

NO, you shouldn't and you did not.

because the subject in concern of is of long ago and all-so insignificant.

you feel so goddamn happy,

you feel like a happy fool and

thank that goddamn boy or girl for

being part of his life and his experience.

you feel like jumping and laughing as though it's a joke.

you feel like beaming a smile so wide you don't give a f*ck about the people in concern anymore.

and you feel so irritated, like you could do something that moment in time not to experience that. and change it to what you want it to be, your way.

haha. try,

prove me wrong.

you sir, should be shot

2009-12-03T21:39:00.005+08:00

i should be focusing on my own life instead of others.

i find it stupid to look forward to what you expect in other people's lives because it won't happen. ditto, i'm guilty of it myself.

oh well, enough of others.

anyway, went to helped mr soo move some bags to his new house with chongsoon.

and our first job was to, remove some sticky double sided tape from some sort of hanging-thing...

nevermind, you get the boring point.

anyway, we took the taxi and wow...

mr soo, from living in a hdb,

NOW LIVES IN A CONDO.

omg, me and cs were shocked.

haha.

sweet crib at the 9th floor.

hdtv, 3 bedroom, the sorts.

it costs $800k - 900k. wow?

nevermind. damn, i'm focusing on other people's lives again.

anyway, me, cs and soo played tai ti.

and soo won once.

what did he do? maths?

lol, nevermind.

then, me and cs took a cab back to his house to meet dickson and play poker with paper money!

a fun day.

at least i didn't stuff myself inside my house, play tf2 and facebooking.

oh well.

2009-12-02T11:08:00.002+08:00

triple post today, enjoy your time here.

not to dwell, but to help

2009-12-02T10:36:00.005+08:00

I decided to visit my past one day. And there I saw a boy filled with a young mind, a young indecisive mind. He didn't know what to do, he simply "Do what I know, Know what I Do".

He did what he knew, he only knew what he did.

That must been his first ever philosophical principle he ever made. However, that's never going to bring him anywhere. For he didn't know what other were doing, he didn't do what others knew.

Isn't that the perfect loner attitude? I felt disgusted.

He was this boy who went to library every recess after eating on a sandwich with chocolate spread. In the library he read puzzle books, the type of adventure books with riddles and mazes of sorts.

He was filled with infatuation. I knew infatuation was hopeless love. He never knew what infatuation was, nor realise how hopeless.

He was a studious boy, at home after using computer. He would seclude himself in his room to do worksheets and sorts. And back to the computer.

Unlike other boys, he went Wikipedia, partly due to the fact he didn't have broadband. Online games and Youtube wasn't his norm.

And I felt that I really wasted my 6 years in my young life being that boy.

F*cking wasted...

The next day, I saw the boy. And while everyone else was playing Catching, there was he, bent down, head low, reading his book.

I went up behind him, I picked up a Bat and wanted to beat him out of existence. But then I stopped.

No, not this way. And I decided to help him.

After he graduated, I became a voice to him. I became a hissing and snarling voice. I became his joker. I laughed at his life that seemed like a joke. He was a joke but I'll never kill him. I gave him a butterfly knife in his mind for him whenever he needs it. He pointed it at the world and at himself at times.

I gave him a challenge. I gave him one more hopeless love. A hopeless love fated the start.

And 28 days later after the end, a few months later with his friends, weeks and days later...

He finally knew it all. He finally understood me. And I decided to give him my laugh and be a happy man.

He knew it all and all he need to know.
He didn't know what he only did but what others did.
He didn't do what he only knew but what others knew.

He was a happy, realised man. And I didn't need to kill him anymore.

not lies, but truth

2009-12-02T10:27:00.004+08:00

(10:41 PM) {brian}: i see.
i lack the emotion of hate and sadness... haha
(10:42 PM) .:Ðickson ™: no
in your heart, you DO hate someone.
in your heart, you DO feel sad sometimes.
(10:42 PM) {brian}: i just don't show it i guess.
(10:42 PM) .:Ðickson ™: it's just that your MIND thinks so that you lack of those 2.

thanks dickson, you finally completed my understanding of emotions.

to think of it, all those who helped me in my sec 2 character development are following me next year in the same class :)

i didn't need to meet her, i had met you

2009-12-02T10:20:00.002+08:00

i knew it all already.
i'm so happy.

i know my character that isn't low.
i know my self worth that isn't poor.
i know my life that isn't guilt.
i know my happiness that isn't lies.
i know my sadness that isn't hate.
i know forgiveness.
i know friendship.

i don't really know how i knew it all.
i only learnt it all after i had known them.
i only learnt it all after i had met you.

thank to all.
thanks to you.

sleeper agent

2009-12-01T22:40:00.001+08:00

i find it a chore to my mind when i visit my previous blog.

gosh, i didn't know i was a boy who talks to himself in his post.

i was an infatuated, lost soul.

i was an emotional, troubled human.

but what am i now? i don't know.

haha.

i'm a happy man.

that's all i can say...

anyway, late night boredom sets in.

the speaker's audio card is screwed up.

no sound.

videos are pointless to watch.

should i invite the class to chat?

oh, not again i guess...

deferred success

2009-12-01T15:49:00.002+08:00

and i thot i was cheap...

peaceful advocate

2009-12-01T09:04:00.002+08:00

what type of person am i?

i'm not a person who likes to argue.

and if i argue, i'll always reasons things out, perhaps unnecessarily sometimes.

but usually, i'll somehow accept the opposition and admit myself wrong.

however, why don''t i like to argue?

what am i? democratic?

yeah maybe, i'm Libra.

Libra is the Scales

i weigh both sides out.

i am a judge.

so, maybe i rather see an argument rather than be in one.

because most of the times i try to reason my mind over their matters, they ask me to get lost.

well, yes, perhaps i'm nosey haha.

but people don't really have to fight do they?

i must been have brought up with bible teachings as a Catholic.

"forgive our sins as we forgive those who sinned against us"

well, anyway, it's morning, 9.14am.

mum's busy in the kitchen.

i don't know what's gonna happen today.

I HATE CAPS

2009-11-30T22:45:00.009+08:00

(10:12 PM) .:Ðickson ™: being a friend, of course you defend your friends.
(10:13 PM) {brian}: i don't need it.
haha
(10:13 PM) {brian}: but then, another point
(10:13 PM) {brian}: tell me, does it matter, do you care whether she, me, or you is a nerd/emo?
(10:14 PM) {brian}: lol,. nvm
i don';t want to dwell over this mess.
(10:14 PM) .:Ðickson ™: that's what YOU think.
(10:14 PM) {brian}: i see.
thanks.
(10:14 PM) .:Ðickson ™: YOU think it doesn't matter.
(10:14 PM) {brian}: i'm just analyzing this situation
(10:16 PM) .:Ðickson ™: it's okay then.
(10:16 PM) {brian}: somehow, someway, that conversation was somewhat beneficial.
~

spent the night in msn seeing a couple of people fight or argue over something in msn. haha.
oh well. a beneficial conversation i must say. it's like psychology.

it's very interesting, try inviting ppl en masse to a chat in msn and see them argue.
you can see how the human mind in society works.

well, good night.

stale decision, mate

2009-11-30T14:34:00.010+08:00

I hate people with undecided decisions.

The owner asks a patron in a restaurant,

"Sir, Are you eating here?"

"Maybe I'm eating here...I don't know? My friend said he's not eating here."

"So... are you eating here?"

"I don't know. I thought he was coming to eat with me"

"Sir, do YOU want to eat here?"

"Maybe."

that's just screwed up in 2 ways.

tsk.